Get the full story with Part I, Part II, and Part III
"...So, if you're not going to do it, I have to. I need to break up with you."
He was genuinely shocked. At that instant, the tiny revenge part of me said 'take that, sucka!', but everything else just felt a little sorry for him and a lotta sad for us. He really had no idea what he was doing, did he? So once we got out to our cars, we talked a bit more.
I was really interested in the sudden change of heart for me. I honestly thought it had a major something to do with his girl infatuation (See Part III). I thought that maybe he couldn't handle her getting married, men with their sensitive egos and all. We talked about that subject in general, and he said "No, I really am over that. I am genuinely happy for her! When they announced their engagement I finally felt free from it all. It was like she was my 'moby dick', like I couldn't ever catch her, and I think I fell in love with the notion of being in love. If we really did ever get together it probably would have been disastrous."
Okaaaay... so what then, pray tell, convinced you to run away? I knew that I would have to wrestle it out of him; he wasn't supplying much information!
We talked a bit more, and then he just broke down.
B: "Oh wow, I'm just really afraid of losing you forever, like I've lost my chance"
Okay, more confusion sets in. Why was he the one upset? Wasn't it him that initiated this ugly chapter anyway?
S: "Look Bryan, You haven't lost me. I LOVE YOU! I want to marry you! But you need to get out there, date a few girls, get whatever you need to figured out, then come back. I'll be waiting... Just please don't take too long."
And I really meant it. I had no desire to even think about dating anyone else. I remembered so strongly the impression that I had a mere five months earlier. How could I deny that? I knew it wasn't simply horomones rushing in; I had a future with this guy. But maybe he was really nervous? Maybe he wasn't at the same point I was? Whatever it was, I was willing to wait it out for him.
The next little while was a bit crazy. I was still making plans to move; I figured I would be out of his hair while he sorted things out. Plus, I just couldn't watch idly from the sidelines while he took others out on dates. It made me sick to think that there were other girls out there that were going to be on dates with MY man, holding his hand, maybe giving him a peck or two. I couldn't stand to see that in action, so the move to Las Vegas seemed logical enough. It really wasn't that far away; we could visit pretty much any given weekend.
So our relationship took a tiny step backward. We were finally communicating again, but I let off the pressure of dating or anything else that could be considered remotely romantic. It was a little tough, because our relationship was, within the bounds of the singles ward, akin to that of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie; people just wanted to be in our business. Even though we endeavored to keep people uninformed of the latest hurdle, it was pretty obvious to anyone that we weren't exclusive any more. Anywhere either of us turned, we were approached by our adoring fans and papparazzi (lol), demanding what was going on between us. I think both of us tried to be evasive, but that works for only so long.
It started to get really embarrasing when the 'other' Brian tried to get involved and "fix things". The funny thing was he really liked Bryan and me together. He had actually been one of the first people to say (in a cheesy little boy teasing a little girl way) "I know someone who likes you!" He said Bryan was the only guy that he 'approved' of, and that he was the only one that deserved me. Sweet, but kinda weird to hear that from him.
Anyway, he wanted to get the story from me directly. Uh, I don't know about you, 'other' Brian, but I feel just a little strange and thrown off when the ex boyfriend whom I was waiting for to marry asks me about another guy who I want to marry, and why we are no longer together. Doesn't that seem a bit contrived to you, 'other' Brian? I just don't really want to talk about it, if it's all the same!
I think I was a bit rude.
Regardless, things were in the works for me to move on and let Bryan do his own thing for a while; I was able to qualify for a job transfer quite easily for the same position, I was going to Vegas with Sam to look at apartments (she was then living an hour from Vegas), and everything seemed to be going pretty smoothly. Bryan seemed less afraid of me (that's the only way to describe it), and more sad to see me go.
During the Vegas trip, Sam & I covered a lot of ground. We found plenty of places (really close to the nice part of the strip) within our budget, and even considered renting a home with a few more girls. But I felt awful. Once I was there, I just knew I shouldn't move. I'm sure I could have made an okay life there for a while, but it felt like a major backslide. I felt so terrible telling this to Sam! Being the awesome friend that she is, she understood. Yeah, she was bummed (who wouldn't be bummed after missing out on living with me, lol), but she totally got it. And she said, "Well, I guess you'd better marry him, then!" Yeah, that's what I'm trying to accomplish! :)
On my way back to California, I can't wait to get home. I just felt so light and clear-headed, like I had completely made the right decision in not moving. I felt so happy about it, I just had to tell him! And Bryan was beyond ecstatic, at least I got that vibe!
A week or two later, he asks me to drop by his house so we can go over a few things with our calling. I gladly comply :) When I get there, he was going through old mission photos. I love old mission photos! He was going through the funnier ones, telling me the stories behind all the laughable situations. Man, Elders can be so crazy! He was telling me all about what it was like to work at the mission office, what his President was like, his least and most favorite companions and why, his areas and the families that he worked with, the event of being able to be at the temple when a family he baptized got sealed, all those super amazing experiences that he was part of. It made me love him so much more in an instant! We talked about his brothers and his dad, and how he wanted to be like them; strong, worthy Priesthood holders, givers of themselves, strong in their testimonies of the restored gospel, wonderful dads and patriarchs, loving husbands to their wives. And the conversation turned to 'us'.
I told him I was sad I wasn't a part of his life, and that I missed him. And the floodgates opened.
He told me he missed my smile, my laugh, my kiss, my sense of humor, my smarts, he missed ME. And then we kissed...
WOOSH! The same terrific impressions came back to me in an instant. I knew I couldn't be making this up! He was it. Everything that I was and would become would eventually be his to share with me. I just had to be patient and let him figure it out, too. But just to make sure...
"Um, so does this mean that we are back together now?" (I couldn't let anything be left unsaid!)
"Yeah, I guess it does, huh?"
I finally have him back and I don't have to worry about anyone else encroaching on my man! I am soooo ecstatic! But I know that things would have to be slightly different so he can still get the answers he is looking for. No more talk about being serious. No more wedding talk, even if it isn't about ours. No more waiting around just for him to pop the question! I am still going to be my same fun flirty (but much less so) self, but perhaps not be so 'available'. You know, the whole 'absence makes the heart grow fonder' thing!
So I traveled. Quite a bit. And always by myself. Bryan and I had already taken a road trip once together to visit our families in Utah, and that was before we broke up. So he didn't need to come with me on any of these fun girly get-togethers, he would be bored to tears anyway! I go to Vegas, I go to Phoenix, and I visit Kimmy in New York.
Oh, the FUN I had! I still was waiting for Heavenly Father to make good on our 'deal', and in the meantime I was turning a blind eye to approaching the subject with Bryan.
In his camp, it was a completely different story. Where I had gotten an answer about Bryan without even asking directly, Bryan was getting nothing. The heavens were closed for him on this matter. It was driving him crazy. And it was driving me even crazier! I was unaware that this was the holdup. Bryan hadn't yet gotten an answer to his prayers. And from what he has told me multiple times since then, it wasn't just a single prayer, or even a few. It was over days and days of mulling it over in his mind and heart. But, still no answer. I think he was waiting for an angel to come down and conk him over the head, but he got not a single peep in the process.
It had been five months since we started officially dating, five months since those rain soaked nights. And it had been four months since I knew we were going to get married. I WAS TRYING SO HARD TO BE PATIENT!!! But man, this was getting harder and harder! So to cool off a bit and get refocused, I decide to visit Kimmy in New York for a week(she was living there at the time). It really was a great vacation! It wasn't my first time there, but there is SO much to do, one could take a week long vacation once a month and still be left with really cool new things to do! We did fun touristy things, like going to the Met, Rockefeller Center, went to see a few shows on Broadway, cruised up and down Central Park, went to Serendipity's and a bunch of other famous restaurants, shopped a ton, and just had a general gluttony of girl time! I was genuinely sad to go home to real life, same old job, school, etc. But I was so happy to be able to see Bryan again!
He had arranged to pick me up at the Airport, and what a sight for sore eyes! Once again, I knew he was the man I was going to marry. Why couldn't he figure it out already? :)
The few weeks that followed my NYC vacation, Bryan was much sweeter and more attentive (like that could be possible to be more than previously), and just all around more awesome to hang out with. We didn't get to spend a whole lot of time together though, because he had a summer job installing alarm systems, which honestly took up all of his time. He would go to work at 6am, work all day in people's attics and crawl spaces, and go home totally exhausted at around 10pm. He and I would get to see each other for maybe an hour before he went home for the night. I felt so sorry for him! Yet, he still was super active in his callings and was so involved in activities.
One fast Sunday, he decided to bear his testimony. He expressed how grateful he was for me and what an example I was to him. I was so flattered, it was super sweet! Once again, I was impressed by how he publicly acknowledged me and declared his love and appreciation for me(singles ward politics, meh). Of course all the girls were jealous! :)
On this particular Sunday, there was a YSA fireside hosted in Del Mar that Bry and I decided to go to. While we were driving towards the destination, I told him that it was really nice of him to acknowledge me the was he did. Right then, he had this little grin on his face. Then he said "I love you, Sarah. Let's get married."
My only reaction was "WHAT?!"
I was completely thrown off guard; I thought for a minute he was joking! But, he wasn't. I was so excited and feeling like I was having an out-of-body experience... I forgot to accept! Once I regained my composure (in Sarah time=.25 seconds, in Bryan time=30 seconds), I said yes, obviously. His proposal was totally cute and so 'us'. I have reminded him on several occassions that he never officially 'asked' me when it counted (I always tell people that he told me we were getting married), so he has since then tried to make up for it. :)
Bryan had finally relayed what the issue was. He honestly hadn't received an answer to his prayers. He had been praying for months to know if it was me he should marry, but Heavenly Father hadn't given him a direct answer. It was only after we had spent a significant amount of time apart that he realized he never wanted to live without me. So really, breaking up with him was the best thing that could have happened to us. Three very long months later, we were sealed for time and eternity in the San Diego LDS Temple.
I love you, Bryan! Happy Anniversary! 3 years and counting to a bazillion more!