I have a lot to catch up on. But I'm not going to catch up for this post (do you notice I always do that? I say I'm going to 'catch up' on posts but then I never do. Anyway...). This is a pity party complaining there IS NO SILVER LINING post. Comment if you want to. In fact, just don't. I'm really not in the mood to hear "things will get better if you pray harder/wait for the storm to pass/be more positive/do some service/have more faith" etc etc etc. I am just mad and need to PURGE for a good long 20 minutes. Or 20 hours. Probably 20 minutes though.
In light of recent events ('Blessing' being in the hospital for so.excruciatingly.LONG), it's no secret that I've been going down to the hospital every night. I've been doing this for over 4 months. 136 days today, to be exact. Beside the fact that I'm totally and completely sleep deprived, despite the fact that I don't think that I have enough help (even though people ask all the time, I'm always at a loss at the moment, or sometimes they can't help me in the way that I need help. I'm not blaming anyone... this is a rant. Not a blame game.), and regardless of the sad sad reality that I have never been so overweight and stretched for time, I knew that the odds were in our favor. EVENTUALLY, I would get in a car accident.
And I did. And it was SOOOOO stupid! And due to the conditions I don't think it was my fault, though every insurance company and police department would say otherwise.So, there is a section on the 15N that is closed for repairs (or something), and I always remember when I get to two exits before the closure. So I thought "I'm going to be smart this time and not get stuck in the back up traffic" since all the vehicles are siphoned into one lane and off the freeway for a detour. I thought I would take a different street (a widely known alternate detour) and bypass all the traffic to boot.
UGH. So this street I took curves slightly. And it was foggy. And there were dim street lights (it was past midnight) along ONE area of the road. And there were NO reflectors for the center divide. And you probably guessed by now, I clipped the center divide. My two driver's side tires are blown, both rims are bent and need to be replaced, and hope that both axles are untouched.
So I'm MAD. I'm angry that I didn't get home until after 2am, my cell phone was dying when I called for a tow and died right after I texted Bryan about it. And of course the tow wasn't covered under our car insurance. I haven't even had a speeding ticket since 1999, so we both decided it wasn't worth having a low deductible and all the extra stuff since we both have squeaky clean driving records. So this will be expensive. And I'm just beat. Seriously??? I don't have trivial things to complain about any more??? I would LOVE to complain about cranky teething babies in place of this. I would love to be annoyed that Bryan didn't take out the trash or he left the toilet seat up or something.
Just right now I feel the need to purge. I don't want to 'suck it up' anymore. I'm still upset that my ward for whatever reason doesn't feel the need to help with babysitting so I can be with my daughter (again, this is a general complaint. I know there are people in my ward who have helped, and people are continuing to pray for her). I'm trying to get over my feelings of resentment for a few conversations I had been forced to have, with no solution at the end.
I want to be a wonderful mom to ALL my children, but I am so torn. Literally, I want to spend all day with Blessing and be there when she has tummy time, when she eats, when she interacts and has baths and play time and reading time. But I want to be with my boys, too. I just want us to be TOGETHER as a family! Can you imagine how heart wrenching it would be to have a nurse (who you don't know from Adam) tell you what your only daughter learned to do that day? I'm so incredibly grateful for their loving care to my daughter, yet at the same time I'm just angry that it can't be me. Ya know???
I wasn't there for her first smile or coo. I wasn't ever able to feed her from me (and let me tell you, pumping is the worst thing ever. It's a bazillion times for painful than nursing, and your body doesn't get used to it. A pumping session is always a practice in self inflicted pain). I wasn't there for her sitting up, and I probably won't be there for her rolling over or standing up. I am not her primary care giver. It's a handful of someone's who are doing it primarily for a paycheck.
And now I have this car issue to deal with. An insurance adjuster won't be here until sometime next week. We are waiting for an adjuster to come out rather than taking it to a repair shop in the hopes that the fix will be less expensive than our deductible. Unlikely, but I'm still hopeful. So I'm out a vehicle the next few weeks at least. And Bryan starts school again at the end of July. At this point, I really don't want him to go back right now. But our hands are tied as far as financing since we already extended for the last six months. Unless we want to start paying our student loans right now and formally take out another loan. I don't know how any of this is going to work right now. And I'm super stressed about it.
I need a good cry. And a few (like 100) thousand dollars so the loan or the car wouldn't be an issue. And a miracle so my baby can come home!