RANT OF THE CENTURY!

I have a lot to catch up on. But I'm not going to catch up for this post (do you notice I always do that? I say I'm going to 'catch up' on posts but then I never do. Anyway...). This is a pity party complaining there IS NO SILVER LINING post. Comment if you want to. In fact, just don't. I'm really not in the mood to hear "things will get better if you pray harder/wait for the storm to pass/be more positive/do some service/have more faith" etc etc etc. I am just mad and need to PURGE for a good long 20 minutes. Or 20 hours. Probably 20 minutes though.
In light of recent events ('Blessing' being in the hospital for so.excruciatingly.LONG), it's no secret that I've been going down to the hospital every night. I've been doing this for over 4 months. 136 days today, to be exact. Beside the fact that I'm totally and completely sleep deprived, despite the fact that I don't think that I have enough help (even though people ask all the time, I'm always at a loss at the moment, or sometimes they can't help me in the way that I need help. I'm not blaming anyone... this is a rant. Not a blame game.), and regardless of the sad sad reality that I have never been so overweight and stretched for time, I knew that the odds were in our favor. EVENTUALLY, I would get in a car accident.
And I did. And it was SOOOOO stupid! And due to the conditions I don't think it was my fault, though every insurance company and police department would say otherwise.So, there is a section on the 15N that is closed for repairs (or something), and I always remember when I get to two exits before the closure. So I thought "I'm going to be smart this time and not get stuck in the back up traffic" since all the vehicles are siphoned into one lane and off the freeway for a detour. I thought I would take a different street (a widely known alternate detour) and bypass all the traffic to boot.
UGH. So this street I took curves slightly. And it was foggy. And there were dim street lights (it was past midnight) along ONE area of the road. And there were NO reflectors for the center divide. And you probably guessed by now, I clipped the center divide. My two driver's side tires are blown, both rims are bent and need to be replaced, and hope that both axles are untouched.
So I'm MAD. I'm angry that I didn't get home until after 2am, my cell phone was dying when I called for a tow and died right after I texted Bryan about it. And of course the tow wasn't covered under our car insurance. I haven't even had a speeding ticket since 1999, so we both decided it wasn't worth having a low deductible and all the extra stuff since we both have squeaky clean driving records. So this will be expensive. And I'm just beat. Seriously??? I don't have trivial things to complain about any more??? I would LOVE to complain about cranky teething babies in place of this. I would love to be annoyed that Bryan didn't take out the trash or he left the toilet seat up or something.
Just right now I feel the need to purge. I don't want to 'suck it up' anymore. I'm still upset that my ward for whatever reason doesn't feel the need to help with babysitting so I can be with my daughter (again, this is a general complaint. I know there are people in my ward who have helped, and people are continuing to pray for her). I'm trying to get over my feelings of resentment for a few conversations I had been forced to have, with no solution at the end.
I want to be a wonderful mom to ALL my children, but I am so torn. Literally, I want to spend all day with Blessing and be there when she has tummy time, when she eats, when she interacts and has baths and play time and reading time. But I want to be with my boys, too. I just want us to be TOGETHER as a family! Can you imagine how heart wrenching it would be to have a nurse (who you don't know from Adam) tell you what your only daughter learned to do that day? I'm so incredibly grateful for their loving care to my daughter, yet at the same time I'm just angry that it can't be me. Ya know???
I wasn't there for her first smile or coo. I wasn't ever able to feed her from me (and let me tell you, pumping is the worst thing ever. It's a bazillion times for painful than nursing, and your body doesn't get used to it. A pumping session is always a practice in self inflicted pain). I wasn't there for her sitting up, and I probably won't be there for her rolling over or standing up. I am not her primary care giver. It's a handful of someone's who are doing it primarily for a paycheck.
And now I have this car issue to deal with. An insurance adjuster won't be here until sometime next week. We are waiting for an adjuster to come out rather than taking it to a repair shop in the hopes that the fix will be less expensive than our deductible. Unlikely, but I'm still hopeful. So I'm out a vehicle the next few weeks at least. And Bryan starts school again at the end of July. At this point, I really don't want him to go back right now. But our hands are tied as far as financing since we already extended for the last six months. Unless we want to start paying our student loans right now and formally take out another loan. I don't know how any of this is going to work right now. And I'm super stressed about it.
I need a good cry. And a few (like 100) thousand dollars so the loan or the car wouldn't be an issue. And a miracle so my baby can come home!

Wedded Bliss

Congratulations to
Josh & Meredith McBride,
the loveliest newlyweds ever!

(Photos courtesy of Jennie McBride)

Aren't they just so cute?


A great time was had by all! Great food,

young cousins running around,

and I got to visit with ALL my siblings,
especially my lovely sisters!

Poor Curly (and all the kids, for that matter) suffered from an intense sugar coma. Notice his joker mouth? Good ol' chocolate fountain!

Photography was in the bag with my SIL Jennie's mad shooting skills

And now I have another gorgeous SIL!

We all had such a blast at the intimate ceremony and reception. The guest list was primarily made up of family, with a sprinkling of a few close friends. It was so nice!
Welcome to this crazy family, Meredith!

For sale or rent...

My wonderful, lovely, imaginative 3 year old.

Always a smart fellow, he opened the MAGNETICALLY LOCKED cupboard at the ripe hour of 5am.

He's so helpful, this morning he cleaned the kitchen for me.

With bug spray.

Then he thought to take out his vitamins.

Which may or may not have been vitamins.

And surmised that they needed a little cleaning, too.

With a FULL BOTTLE of Windex.

Then decided that the carpet needed some cleaning, too.

With Greased Lightning de-greaser.

He knew today was going to be a busy day, so he wanted to be so helpful with all these chores.

You did it because today is your Uncle Josh's wedding day.

Obviously, you didn't want all the attention to go just to him and Meredith!

Thanks, little buddy.

For sale or rent:

FOR FREEEEEEE!

Has it really only been two weeks???

It's already seemed like a month at least!

What I'm feeling right now:

I miss my baby girl.

She is a doll. With red hair (it is officially official!). Who looks killer good in green! :)

I am tired exhausted. All day with energetic boys, then a few hours with Blessing, holding and loving her. Pumping in between all of this, then sleep for a few hours...It wears me out!

I have good days and bad days.

The good days I can get through in a chaotic/semi-zombie sort of way, and the bad days I just want to sleep and maybe whine a little bit.

I am SO happy for the moms I see who have their babies discharged, but at the same time I am also upset that it's not our baby.

EA is very deceiving. Blessing looks incredibly healthy, strong, as perfect as can be. She doesn't look physically sick so it makes me crazy to know that we're going to be spending many more nights at the NICU.

Another maddening aspect is just having to W A I T . . . . . . . . . . . . . . until we can actually get to the point for the study that will give us an estimated time frame for when Blessing can come home with us!

Part of me doesn't know what to feel. Anger? At what? The fact that EA can't be controlled by anything? I'm in the 'why did this happen' phase. I follow the Word of Wisdom, I have a healthy diet, somewhat of a healthy lifestyle, I don't drink, I don't smoke, don't do drugs, I live a relatively low-stress life. So lucky me, my daughter is the winner out of 4600 babies who gets to deal with EA. Lucky, lucky us.

At the same time, we are SO blessed! I can't forget about the dozens of people who are praying for us, giving us meals, babysitting, doing our laundry, calling, facebooking, checking in on us, and just being there for us. Every day I'm amazed at how I need something and all I have to do is call someone and they will help me!

So many emotions to go through.

At least I don't have to worry about PPD, which is a HUGE blessing in and of itself! I feel like we kind of skipped over that part, for which I'm grateful!

But I do feel guilty that I haven't been able to give great mommy attention to my boys right now. Einstein has been an absolute trooper! I thought he would become defiant, but he's really begun to fill his big brother shoes very well. He's getting so grown up! Poor Curly, though, is super clingy and sad most of the time. He's regressed in the areas of talking and potty usage. He basically just whines all day unless he's being held. I'm still not technically supposed to be lifting/holding heavy things yet (hello, 30lb 2 year old!), but a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do! I can only handle so much whining!

I still stay up way too late.

I hope the rest of my 30's won't be this stressful.

I think it might get easier??? I hope!

I'm going to bed.

LOVE

Love this video. Love her tons! This is totally anti-climactic, but it's my baby, and she's AWAKE! She's only been awake when we've been with her one time before. So all this awake time was heaven!



Anya hit 6 pounds. Barely! But it's a wonderful sign that she's growing like a champ. We're told that she eats like crazy (that's my girl!) and is pooping like a newborn should. I've never been so excited about poop before! I got to change her tiny little diaper today {3 days ago. Each day kind of melts into another these days}, which actually was a treat. Like I said, I've never been so excited about poop before. An extended commute to a hospital will do some strange things to your brain! :)I can't wait to bring her home. Here's to hoping and praying that her stay WON'T be a full year... I mean, I'm so grateful for the NICU and all the staff, but I hope I never have to see any of them again! :)