Has it really only been two weeks???

It's already seemed like a month at least!

What I'm feeling right now:

I miss my baby girl.

She is a doll. With red hair (it is officially official!). Who looks killer good in green! :)

I am tired exhausted. All day with energetic boys, then a few hours with Blessing, holding and loving her. Pumping in between all of this, then sleep for a few hours...It wears me out!

I have good days and bad days.

The good days I can get through in a chaotic/semi-zombie sort of way, and the bad days I just want to sleep and maybe whine a little bit.

I am SO happy for the moms I see who have their babies discharged, but at the same time I am also upset that it's not our baby.

EA is very deceiving. Blessing looks incredibly healthy, strong, as perfect as can be. She doesn't look physically sick so it makes me crazy to know that we're going to be spending many more nights at the NICU.

Another maddening aspect is just having to W A I T . . . . . . . . . . . . . . until we can actually get to the point for the study that will give us an estimated time frame for when Blessing can come home with us!

Part of me doesn't know what to feel. Anger? At what? The fact that EA can't be controlled by anything? I'm in the 'why did this happen' phase. I follow the Word of Wisdom, I have a healthy diet, somewhat of a healthy lifestyle, I don't drink, I don't smoke, don't do drugs, I live a relatively low-stress life. So lucky me, my daughter is the winner out of 4600 babies who gets to deal with EA. Lucky, lucky us.

At the same time, we are SO blessed! I can't forget about the dozens of people who are praying for us, giving us meals, babysitting, doing our laundry, calling, facebooking, checking in on us, and just being there for us. Every day I'm amazed at how I need something and all I have to do is call someone and they will help me!

So many emotions to go through.

At least I don't have to worry about PPD, which is a HUGE blessing in and of itself! I feel like we kind of skipped over that part, for which I'm grateful!

But I do feel guilty that I haven't been able to give great mommy attention to my boys right now. Einstein has been an absolute trooper! I thought he would become defiant, but he's really begun to fill his big brother shoes very well. He's getting so grown up! Poor Curly, though, is super clingy and sad most of the time. He's regressed in the areas of talking and potty usage. He basically just whines all day unless he's being held. I'm still not technically supposed to be lifting/holding heavy things yet (hello, 30lb 2 year old!), but a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do! I can only handle so much whining!

I still stay up way too late.

I hope the rest of my 30's won't be this stressful.

I think it might get easier??? I hope!

I'm going to bed.

8 devoted readers:

Krista said...

This must be a hard thing to go through, having three children that all need you in their own way!

When I was 5 my youngest brother (6 months old) went in to the hospital with infant botulism. My grandparents came to stay at our house for a few weeks so my mom could be at the hospital, but when they couldn't stay any longer, I went to San Francisco to live with them for a month. My older brother was sent to spend the summer with my aunt and uncle, and my younger brother that was 3 spent a lot of days and nights with family friends in the area. I know having a sick baby was really hard on my mom, but knowing we were all being taken care of really helped, plus we all remember the time he was in the hospital as a lot of fun because we were all off on our own adventure.

Good luck over the next few weeks! I wish you the best and that Blessing will be healthy and strong. And I really hope you don't have to pump all the time for too much longer ( I hate pumping too!)!!!

Vidal's Nest said...

Dang! I can't imagine how hard it is for you. I have a difficult time after baby just with the hormonal aspect. Can't imagine the sadness you must be feeling not having her there with you.
I am glad to hear that it wasn't as scary as they first thought. She is beautiful!
Don't forget to ask for a priesthood blessing of comfort for you!
Hang in there and HUGS!!!

Jessica said...

I didn't even know you had had your baby. I am sorry that you are going through this right now. I can only imagine what you might be going through. Sarah, you can and will get through this. You have so many people praying for you and I will too! She is a beautiful baby and of course she had to have red hair! Take care my friend and know that you are loved by many!

Jennie McBride said...

dear sweet beautiful sarah... thank you for sharing your feelings with us. Thank you for sharing your family with us. How we love you. How we wish we could be closer and of more assistance during this time of .... waiting... Please know we love you, we pray for you and your sweet family.

we love you... J&J

PS Anya looks an awful lot like Jakey!

Ashley said...

Wow, I really wish I had gotten to know you better when we both lived in the same stake. I just want to be your friend! :) (Your last comment on my blog about the binky totally cracked me up, by the way)

I cannot even imagine how completely maddening it must be to just WAIT like that and have no idea when you'll be able to take your baby home. I'm amazed by everything that you do! Seriously, you sound like SuperMom and your kids are so lucky to have you! Pumping is the worst, I agree with you there. You are doing an amazing job at everything you're doing, keep it up!

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shay said...

Truly though... it actually doesn't get easier...I think I aged 5 years in those 100 days. Not what you want to hear:) But your 'normal' is changing rapidly, and so it may seem easier, so thank heavens for that. You will look back on these very moments and wonder how in the h^%$ you got through it with the least bit of sanity. I truly felt 'carried' and sustained through it all and you'll be so grateful you blogged about your experiences so that you will never forget the miracles and blessings that have occurred. You do it for your boys... because you're their rock... and you do it for Anya because she needs her mommy to be there and to smell you & feel the comfort only you can give her. And hooray for supportive and amazing Bryan too-- It's almost as tough for him, except he didn't have to jump up after a c-sec with all the lovely hormone imbalances that come with that territory...and instead of recovering, You have to try to play superwoman because you really have no other choice--and you wouldn't want it any other way. All you can do is hold tight to your boys when you come home, and love Anya like crazy-- believe me, she knows it. Your sacrifices don't go unnoticed--and you need to go do something for yourself... just one thing...whether it's a pedi or getting your hair done, or going to lunch with a friend. It will make all the difference in your crazy world right now. You can do this and come out of it a sane, more beautiful and seasoned woman and mom...and you're doing a great job! It sure is an education of its own, isn't it?! HUGS!