5/12/09

Numb

I had a miscarriage.

Crazy to write that.

I am unsure what to feel.

No, strike that.

I have a LOT of feelings going on.

My logical side is just fine --- the timing is not right, no matter how much I wanted it to be. I know that, Bryan knows that, and Heavenly Father knows that. Even though we both had an amazing spiritual confirmation to expand our family, only Heavenly Father knows what timing is exactly right for us.

My physical well-being is just fine --- other than being extremely tired and a little crampy, physically I am well. I am healthy, and other than a little more sleep and a little time to baby myself, no other procedures are (thank goodness) necessary. I can carry on as normally as before, and I think being physically busy will help with healing as well.

While I know and believe all this, try relaying that to my CRAZY hormones! I am weepy. I am empty. And though I in no way feel *responsible* for losing this child, I still feel upset about it. Even though I am at peace with this logically and spiritually, emotionally I am still a major train wreck.

The (not so detailed) details:
I really wasn't too far along. No announcements were made; the only people who knew sort of guessed that I was expecting.
Two weeks after I found out I was pregnent, the dreaded spotting came. And it never went away.
Bryan and I went to the doctor today (SO glad he was there!), who confirmed to us that I was no longer pregnant.

So, if I was able to give this spirit at least a glimpse of a physical body, I am happy. I am still happy right now, just a little sad, too.

I would also like to add that I am so extremely grateful that Bryan is my husband. He is so inspired, and he is a wonderful Patriarch to have in my home. I love you, honey!

23 devoted readers:

Jeff and Kimberly said...

I am deeply sorry! Know that Heavenly Father has a plan for you and your family. We love you guys!

Brooke said...

I'm so sorry Sarah. You and Bryan are amazing. I have no doubt that you will continue being as positive as you are in the post. My love and thougts are with you!

Dan~Kerstin~Bree said...

I will keep you in my prayers.

Carli said...

Oh Sarah! I am sorry! I am glad that you know that it was the lord's will, but I know it has to be painful. I am here for you though. Love you!

Raadgep Fam said...

I am so sorry hunny! I wish I was there! My sister in law had a miscarriage and got pregnant right after, so maybe. But I know how hard it is to loose a baby! I have lost 2. So you can totally use me as a ear! email me or I will be there in 2 weeks! I LOVE YOU!

Ryan and Claudia said...

Wow, I'm so sorry. Your outlook is great. It's so hard to think about what good could come of this or what you're meant to learn. I think you'll always learn something new. The biggest realization you have is that Heavenly Father really is in charge and you have to fully trust in him. That's the biggest reminder I got. :)

I hope you continue to heal well! I'm glad to hear that Bryan is such a comforter to you. :) I became a lot more grateful for my husband too.

Tiffany said...

So sorry to hear about your loss. I know that you and Bryan will get through it together. You guys are amazing together. We love you and know that we are here for you.

Hazen5 said...

Sarah, I just spoke to Bryan about this! I am so sorry you all have to go through this tender time. If you need anything or need to talk, give me a holler! Just know that I am thinking of you and Bryan.

queenieweenie said...

oh Sarah...i am so, so, so very sorry.

i will pass along the advice my dad gave me when i miscarried, "there is no waste in God's plan"

you have amazing perspective.

The Dutra Family said...

My prayers are with you, I know how hard it is, even when you know it is the Lord's will. Your understanding and outlook are great, and with time all the "Crazy" as you said will pass. Love you, Michelle

Douglas and Nicole said...

I am so sorry! Gosh, that must be so hard. You are amazingly strong. Someday you'll look back on this and know the reason for it. Keep that eternal perspective!

Ruth said...

I am so sorry to hear that. You are such an inspiration to me how you can keep a gospel perspective through all of it. (I hope this doesn't seem out of line but my cousin just went through the same thing and wrote a post about it, I just wanted to share it with you in case it might help to hear about someone going through the same thing: http://experimentations-marissa.blogspot.com/2009/03/rough-week.html, and http://experimentations-marissa.blogspot.com/2009/05/mothers-day-and-reflections.html). I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

Brittany said...

Aww Sarah! I hate that this happens to so many people. Some of the best advice I was given, or a comment that as made anyway, "Hindsight is 20/20" It really is hard to see our Heavenly Fathers Plan for us and those sweet little spirits, but you have the right attitude in knowing that it WILL happen. It's still a heartbreak when it happens though. Maybe you could have Bryan give you a blessing? If you need anything, or to just talk, please feel free to call me or whatever. I am here.

Kyle and Whitney said...

I am so sorry! What a great attitude you have. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Kyle and Whitney said...

I am so sorry! What a great attitude you have. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Kyle and Whitney said...

I am so sorry! What a great attitude you have. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Brian and Leah said...

Hugs to you lil' sis!!

Ashley said...

I'm so sorry! I can only imagine how heart-wrenching that must be. I'm so glad you have such a wonderful husband to support you.

Katie Harding said...

I hope you are doing better now! I totally want to cry for you every time i think about it. Please let me know if you need anything at all! I'm here, always!!! Keep praying. That lil' baby is excited to come down to such a wonderful mommy. He/she will come soon!

Nikki~Down syndrome Storyteller said...

Love to you, Sarah!

Raadgep Fam said...

I ams o exited to get there! It will be a little scary traveling by myself but I am so excited! I need Sarah Love!

Michele said...

Sarah, I am so sorry. My heart breaks for you. You are in my prayers.

Granny said...

I love you, Sarah! I'm very sorry.

Love, Aunt Pam